Chapter 4 | Her and His Circumstances | Remake our Life!
Part 7
And so we arrived on the morning of September 1.
Classes for the second semester started, and the Department of Film and New Media had an exercise class that day that brought the entire department together.
Naturally, there was a lot of talk in the department about the work of the Kuroda group.
Such as using a professional like who-knows-who, pulling budgets from places you wouldn't think of, fighting with the sound staff in their day jobs, but eventually being approved and pulling out the best work...etc.
I don't know how much of it is true and how much of it is false, but after seeing the work, I think all of it might be true. It was exactly like "The work says it all".
It was still noisy in the classroom when it was time for class to begin. Then the door opened and Kanou-sensei appeared.
"Look, look, I know you want to talk about it, but let's get on with the lesson."
The students burst into laughter. Even the teacher seemed to know that it was a topic.
The class was presented to the top three at the moment. The work of Team Kitayama△ managed to place second. But the one that jumped out and took first place was,
"Well, as I'm sure you know, Kuroda group's is on top for now. Congratulations."
It was so overwhelming that sensei had a satisfied expression on her face.
When class was over and I got up from my chair, Kuroda, who was sitting in front of me, suddenly turned around.
For a moment, our eyes met,
"..."
Kuroda grinned and quickly left.
There was no cheap provocation. No, it would have been more helpful if he did.
"Talk about everything by what you've made? That's cool"
How could we win against this formidable opponent? I had a plan, but I didn't know if it would really work until I tried it.
"Hashiba"
Before I knew it, Kanou-sensei was right next to me.
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
I was told to come to the lab.
Part 8
"How did it go with Rokuonji?"
As soon as I entered the room, sensei asked me a straightforward question.
"I don't know yet. I have said what I had to say. Of course, I've kept my promise."
It might be a bit of a rule violation to make it so obvious.
"I see. Well, I guess it is what it will be."
As sensei said, when it comes to this point, there is nothing else to do but to leave it up to the Heaven and Tsurayuki himself.
"Video, I hear you're competing with Kuroda's team."
"...Yes"
From whom did she hear it? Well, if it was this teacher, she has such a dreadful hell-ear that I can understand where the source of the information came from.
"Well, okay. As long as you don't get into any trouble, it should be an interesting entertainment?"
"I'm sorry. I did something selfish"
"I don't mind. But the first round was by a huge margin. What are you going to do now?"
I told sensei about my idea.
Sensei's expression becomes distorted. The light behind her eyes disappears and she glares at me.
When all was said, sensei let out a deep sigh,
"It's a jumping-off point. It's also a way of suddenly bringing up a stone thrower from behind a castle. From a video production standpoint, I honestly don't agree with it."
"I think so. But I couldn't find any other way to win."
"Yeah, if I were you, I would have done that. Probably the right thing to do. But."
Sensei spoke a little harshly,
"Hashiba. What you are trying to do is domination. It's not the royal road."
“Domination ... Is it?”
"That's right. Thoroughly eliminate anything that blocks your way, anything that stands in the way of your ideals, and make a new path. That's what you're doing right now."
Sensei walks to the shelf where the pot is, empty cup in hand.
"I don't hate outrageous guys like you. But your strong ego drags a lot of people down with you."
With a kopo-kopo sound, boiling water is poured into the cup.
The smell of instant coffee was scattered throughout the room.
"Kuroda is certainly an egomaniacal producer. But he sees the makers as a piece of the puzzle, in both good and bad ways. What he trusts is the technique, not humanity."
Sensei took a sugar cube and held it up to me to show me.
"Do you understand? Your way of doing things involves going into people's lives. Once you fall in love with someone, you go straight for them, without regard to their situation. You entangle everyone involved one after another and bring them up on the stage, and if you make a mistake, you will bring everyone down to the bottom"
With a splash, the sugar cube disappeared into the coffee. It dissolved in an instant and was gone. All that remained was the same jet-black liquid.
"―You could lose all your friends."
Those were harsh words.
I am sure the teacher was referring to Tsurayuki and everyone else as well. I don't think I'm doing a good thing now, but cheap thinking like pretending to be a dark hero will definitely lead to big pitfalls down the road.
Maybe sensei was concerned about that and told me.
While I'm grateful, I'm,
"I understand, I won't say that I know anything. I... don't understand."
I shook my head and fought against sensei's words.
"But since I'm going to do it... I'll take responsibility not only with my words, but with my actions. I'm willing to die for the sake of everyone who follows me."
Once, my life was a life of lost dreams and hopes. Now I have a chance to start over with the power of a miracle.
If that is the case, I want to take on the weight and responsibility of something I have never even been able to carry before. I want to weigh my body down and feel that I am alive with ten times the weight.
I never want to live a dead life again.
And because I want everyone around me to be the best creators they can be.
"Don't talk about dying when you're still a young student. That's too cheeky."
It was a tone of scolding. Indeed, that was cheeky.
" ... I'm sorry"
When I honestly apologized, sensei smiled,
"Don't say you are willing to die, even if it were an analogy. I'm an old lady and I want to talk old times with you."
Her tone of voice was finally softened.
"Thank you"
I, too, wanted to talk to her when I was properly older.
◆ August 31 ◆
"What is it you want to talk about?"
With his usual cold words, my father said so.
"You had offered to stay in your room today because you had a customer from the bank, but you said you didn't feel well. Could it be that this has something to do with what I just told you?"
I took a deep breath and nodded.
"Yes, it is"
There was a short pause. My dad stared at me in silence, but eventually he let out a small sigh and,
"I'm asking you not to waste my time like you did last time."
After saying so, he opened the shoji sliding door and went into the room first.
I followed him inside and firmly closed the sliding door.
I am always nervous when I enter this parlor. My father likes to keep things simple, and the simple Japanese-style room with a simple tokonoma (alcove) and a desk are a bit more tiring than it needs to be, because there is nothing to look at.
But if I'm losing in this room, talking to my dad and trying to convince him is a pipe dream.
As usual, I sit on my knees and face my father, who has not even a single strand of hair messed up.
If I look away, he might say I'm being naive about that, too. So I look straight ahead,
"Dad, I'll get right to it."
With determination, I opened my mouth.
“I'd like to revoke my previous agreement about quitting Geidai and going back to my life in Kawagoe.”
My dad remained silent with his arms crossed.
I continue to speak,
“I thought about it a lot and I still want to create. I thought I could give up and forget about it, but time passed and I couldn't find anything to replace it. I was almost in despair, wondering if I was going to go on with my life with nothing, when Kyouya and Nanako came to me and I knew it was the only thing for me."
After saying that much, I sat down and backed up a little. Then I put my hands on my knees,
"I want to go back to Geidai. My school registration ... is still in place. I will not cause you any trouble in that regard. Please."
Deeply, I bowed my head.
My dad didn't say anything. He was silent for a while, then slowly opened his mouth,
"Tsurayuki, do you remember when you came back?"
It was a quiet, but nerve-wracking voice.
"You have been creating for a long time, but you have completely failed. Do you think a person who comes back broken after only a year or so of living in the world will be able to continue to do well in the future? I don't think so"
I knew that my own expression was becoming tense.
"When you told me that you were quitting, I asked you if there was any mistake. But now you say that it was a mistake and you want to correct it. How could I listen to such a hesitant person? Furthermore, you said that you had no problem with the fact that you had taken a leave of absence from Geidai, which you had said you had quit... That half-hearted regret is out of the question."
My father's voice echoed strongly.
"Your request to return to a blank slate will not be honored."
I bite the corners of my lips,
"I admit that I am a half-hearted and immature person. But from now on, I am prepared to overcome that and continue to work on my creations."
"If you admit that you are immature, you should follow someone who tells you the right way. Why do you keep trying to go back to the wrong path?"
"I don't ... think that's the wrong path"
"Why? I don't think it's the right path, no matter how I look at it"
It was an exchange that had no place of exchange. My father would methodically deny what I said. His polite words and tone of voice put pressure on me to lose if I got emotional. It was my father's usual way of dealing with me.
If things continue as it is, there is no way to make any progress in the conversation.
I asked the essential part that I had never heard before.
"Why does Dad hate ... so much about creation? Do you have a reason, something concrete to say?"
If he just disagrees blindly, maybe there is some point there that I can poke at. That's what I was thinking when I asked the question,
"Very well, I will speak properly about why I disagree."
Contrary to my expectations, my dad answered my question head on.
"The writing career you aspire to is not a field in which success is based solely on the accumulation of knowledge. No matter how much you hone your skills, there is a large element of luck and chance involved. Am I wrong?"
"... It's not wrong. Indeed it is."
"How could I applaud and send my son, whom I am considering as my successor, to such an extremely unstable field? It is hard to understand why you would not choose that when there is an absolute position right there that can be attained through hard work and accumulation of efforts."
Surprisingly, my father understood the root of the suffering and troubles in the creation process.
Indeed, there is a large element of luck and chance in this industry. No matter how much one's skills and knowledge exceed those of others, this does not lead to sales. The way your work is received depends on the timing at which you present it to the world.
But,
"That's why I chose the creative path. There's a lot of unknown elements that I longed for, not history, or built up stuff, or anything like that."
I said as if to appeal.
Yes, that's why I tried to get out of this city and pursue a career as a writer.
“I think what my dad and my brother have done is great, but ... it didn't appeal to me. I want to go to a world where I can be more on my own, where I can move up. That would be irreplaceable to me."
My father, however, still did not change his expression,
"But you have given up that irreplaceable path."
"I said, that's"
"No matter how many excuses you make, no matter how many second-guessing you do, the fact remains that you have failed and given up. In addition to your lack of significant accomplishments, you are completely unprepared to walk down a narrow and precarious path."
I involuntarily averted my gaze.
And my father didn't miss my movements.
"It is impossible for you to walk the hard path, having run away from this house and from your creation. Give up."
"Kuh...!"
I stood up involuntarily, clenched my fists and glared at my father.
But my father didn't show any change,
"Are you going to resort to brute force when you can't talk your way out of it?"
"...No"
I returned my aggressive gaze back to normal.
"I'm going to go cool off for a bit. I'll be right back..."
My dad didn't say anything. He seemed to be calmly watching what I was doing.
I turned around and walked straight out of the parlor and back to my room. The sound of summer insects was echoing from the garden.
I walk quickly through the hallway. In the quiet house, only the sound of my breathing and my footsteps echoed. As I walk, I gradually begin to feel a sense of giving up.
"Haha, that really sucks. I thought I was somewhat motivated, but here I am."
Return to the shelf room and lie down on the bed.
The arrival of Kyouya and the others made me feel that maybe I could do a little something. I wondered if I might have gained enough power to change this situation.
But it was an illusion. I had no power. Everything I had done up to that point was denied me, and I had nothing to say in return.
It was all my fault for falling behind. I didn't accept the help of my dependable friends, I leaned on my hopeless pride and fled to my parents' house abandoning them, I was―.
"No good, from the beginning, all along..."
Suddenly, I remember. What day is today and what was written in the proposal.
I huffed and look at the clock.
The wall clock in the room that has been telling the time, unchanged for ages.
Its needle, long and short hands equally, was pointing toward the sky.
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