Chapter 2 | "That's What Happened" | Remake our Life!
Part 1
The first week of 2018 has
passed in a flash.
I began to go to work as a
matter of course, and accepted the routine of spending time with my family with
open arms. I learned what was available at the closest station, and I could
naturally choose another route to work when the train stopped.
"Kyouya-kun... come
here"
I did as I was told and leaned
towards Shinoaki. She opens her arms very naturally and embraces me as if to
wrap my body in her arms.
"Chyu, chyu... Nn... Kyouya,
kun..."
"N, Nn..."
However, at night, the anxiety
and fear inside of me started to increase.
When I went to bed at night, I
could not fall asleep.
Suddenly, her secret came out.
It was powerful enough to give me no small amount of negative shock and
distress.
And then. Ironically, it was she herself who was the cause of my sleeplessness, gently guiding me to sleep.
"Kyouya-kun, hug me more"
A sweet and gentle voice
whispered in my ear.
But I may have taken away the
most important thing from the owner of this voice.
"Yes……"
But for me, alone in this world,
she was almost the only salvation and healing I could find.
"Nn... Kyouya-kun, Kyouya-kun..."
She calls my name lovingly.
"Shinoaki..."
I also called her name, which
was very important to me.
It's nothing indecent, just an
act of body to body contact and closeness.
However, I still have a strong
feeling of guilt.
"Ne~e, today too... not do
it?"
Shinoaki asks me with glazed
eyes.
Her lips were slightly parted,
her bosom was wide open, and physically, I couldn't help but want to cover her
up right now.
…… But I couldn't do that, as expected.
"Yeah. Just doing this... makes
me feel very calm and loved."
I stroke Shinoaki's back, which
is now a little more puffy and gentle than it used to be. The heat that comes
from the tips of my fingers seems to rush up to my body, caring for me when I'm
cold and sad.
"If Kyouya-kun is okay
with that, I'm fine."
Shinoaki's hand goes around the
back of my head.
Then she pulled my face to her
chest.
"Hmm... Shinoaki..."
The sweet smell and warmth of
her freshly bathed body enters my body densely. My head is rapidly melting, and
my ability to think seems to be fading fast.
"Are you worried about
something?"
She gently stroked the back of
my head and I almost said everything I was thinking.
"Yeah... it's about work,
a little"
At the last moment, I stopped
myself and lied.
"That's right... You've
been busy, as always."
I'm sure that for me in this
world, work is a big part of my life. It was natural for me to have worries,
and in that sense, it should have been a lie, but not a lie.
But there are more serious and
troubling things than work in my life right now.
"Don't worry. Just lay low for now, okay..."
Every time Shinoaki's hand
moves gently, I shamelessly let out an inaudible moan like "Nn......"
or "Haa......" escape my throat.
And her warmth and softness
calmed the anxiety and fear that had been welling up.
The truth is, I don't deserve
to have this done to me.
But I can't resist her kindness
at all.
"Shinoaki, you know..."
Suddenly, I open my mouth.
"Hmm... what?"
Her soft voice echoes from
above my head.
"Um......."
I wanted to ask her. Why did
you quit drawing, and how did you feel about it?
Was it my sin, or was it a
reason beyond my control?
But there was no way I could
ask her. At that time, she had told me that she had quit drawing, looking very
sad. It was too bad to make her look so sad again.
And even if it was my fault, she would probably hide the fact from me. If she told me that it was my fault, I wouldn't believe her.
After the passage of time, there was no clue to find out what the truth was, other than the information from the past to the present.
"...Sorry. It's nothing"
I buried my face deep into her chest.
The sweet feeling envelops me in sinfulness.
"So..."
She also doesn't chase or ask
about it.
It's as if she usually does
that. It's as if she's used to taking care of me, the coward who can't say what
I want to say.
I don't know what my sins are
or how I can atone for them, but I'm drowning in her kindness.
Part 2
It was the second Sunday since
I arrived here.
"Ne~, Otou-san, let's
play, ne~?"
I'm lounging in the living room, my only daughter is tugging at the hem of my clothes, begging me to play with her, and Shinoaki is washing the dishes in the back of the room, humming to herself. The warm days that come between spring and early summer are here, just as they were when I arrived here a week ago.
"Hm? Hm~m, let me get some
rest for now..."
Due to the fact that I don't
sleep that well at night, I tended to spend my weekends somewhat lazily. That's
exactly what I used to do when I was working at a company, Saturdays and
Sundays were a time that existed only for playing games and sleeping.
However, I am not in such a
carefree environment now. I have responsibilities, and I have an important
existence.
"Maki, your dad is tired,
so don't force him."
Shinoaki warned Maki softly. It
was a nice gesture. I was in no mood to move at the moment.
"Boo, it's boring"
Maki was clearly unhappy with
the situation and was banging on the table beside her like a drum, and then she
grabbed a stuffed bear from the table.
"Ya!"
She threw it against the wall
as hard as she could to vent her frustration.
With a thud sound, the stuffed
animal hit the wall and fell to the floor.
It was that moment.
"Kora, Maki! That's
no good!"
A sharp voice came out of Shinoaki's mouth, a voice that I had never heard before, even as far as I could remember.
Maki (and I) were startled.
"Here, say sorry to your
stuffed animal!"
Shinoaki picked up a stuffed
animal that had fallen to the floor, held it out in front of Maki's face, and
scolded her again in a sharp voice.
"I'm... I'm sorry..."
Maki looked at Shinoaki and the
stuffed animal with a trembling voice and apologized in a simple, small voice.
Shinoaki took a small breath
and squatted down in front of Maki.
"You know, Maki"
Her voice was already back to
its usual gentle tone.
"Whether it's a stuffed
animal or anything else, God lives in the things that are made."
"God?"
Maki looks at Shinoaki's face
seriously.
"Yes. The god is very fond
of his creations. If you throw it away, how would he feel?"
In response to Shinoaki's
question, Maki made a pensive face,
"...Something like, it
hurts or I am sad."
"Yes. So you have to be
gentle to it. Do you understand?"
Maki nodded her head. Shinoaki gently patted her head.
(Shinoaki......)
The woman in front of me is
definitely Shinoaki. She was born and raised in the western part of Fukuoka
Prefecture, went to the same university as me, and has probably spent a lot of
time with me.
However, it was clear that
there were many differences between her and Shinoaki, who I had spent time with
in college. She still had the same respect for what was being made, and the
same friendly atmosphere, but there was a glimpse of loneliness in her that had
clearly blown her mind about something.
I can't believe Shinoaki quit
drawing.
Shinoaki was supposed to be
Shinoaki by drawing.
She had once said so herself,
but now she had abandoned that identity. In a way, it was the most cruel
and difficult to solve reason: "I don't have anything to draw anymore."
Ironically, it was the end
result of my own cowardly cheating that brought a sense of reality to a world
where I had no clear sense of whether it was real or imagination.
Perhaps, no, surely. The reason
why she stopped drawing should have been because of my existence and actions.
But there was nothing I could do. The only thing I could do was to spend my time with her as she stopped drawing.
How about trying to draw again, there is no way I could say that.
Because when she quit drawing,
she must have felt like cutting off her own body.
In this place, there is warm
daily life.
But the old us didn't exist
there.
It must be...
Part 3
"Good morning, Hashiba"
The next day, Monday morning. I
was approached as I walked to the ground from the station nearest my office.
"Kawasegawa, good morning"
Immediately next to me, she is
lined up dressed in a suit.
From her head to her toes, she
was perfectly dressed. She has always been very careful about her appearance,
but now that she has joined society, it seems to have been strengthened even
more.
"I see you're coming to work as usual today."
When I spoke to her, Kawasegawa
tilted her head, "What are you talking about?"
"I just went home to
change my clothes and take a bath since I was completely busy again until
midnight last night. I just happened to have time to get to work in the morning."
"I see... That's tough."
There was a 24-hour urban super
public bath near our company, and it was so useful that most of the people in
the industry working in this area had used it before.
Since the development of the
game had reached its climax, Kawasegawa had been a regular visitor to this super
public bath. Sometimes late at night, Kawasegawa could be seen in a relaxed
outfit after taking a bath, but when she found out that she was being observed,
she was naturally reluctant.
Anyway, she was in a tough situation.
......When I thought about it,
there was no way she could have returned home properly. I hadn't been
considerate enough.
"W-Well, but it's been a
while since you've had a relaxing bath at home?"
"Yes, I thought about
taking a bath at home once in a while, but if it's too late, I'll have to worry
about the neighbors, and a super public bath would be more comfortable. I don't
feel satisfied with a bath that doesn't have bedrock baths, massages, and
beauty treatments anymore."
Kawasegawa is strangely
suggesting a super public bath.
It's true that if you've been going to a lot of places, you know a lot of good things about them.
"It's that good, right
there"
"You don't visit that
place very often, do you? It's really nice. They have a relaxation area, but
they also have a great restaurant, where you can order a snack set for 1,000
yen that includes fried chicken, edamame, and beer..."
Perhaps embarrassed that she'd
been so absorbed in the conversation, she cleared her throat deliberately,
"That doesn't matter!"
Then she fixed her gaze on me.
"It's nice that you're
still in the early stages of the project, so it won't be too much of a workload."
As she said, my team was still
in the middle of a free good time.
"Yes, that's why I'll help
where I can, and consult to me properly."
I intended to be careful... but
"...That said, we don't
have much of a chance to talk. The other Sunday, it was the first time in a
long time."
A little unbelievably, she
seemed to be a little flustered.
In the past, she would have
said something like "This big liar!"
Perhaps Kawasegawa was a little
weak right now, but her reply was extremely normal.
"Y-You're right... I'm sorry."
I don't know what kind of
relationship I had with her in this world, but it seems that we were somewhat
estranged within the company, or not that closely related.
"You never invite me out
to lunch at all anymore, and I know it's hard for you to do that because you
have your wife's lunch box."
"I-I'm sorry"
Indeed, people who bring their
own lunch box every day will inevitably invite others who are also lunch box
people to join them.
But now that I'm in a position
where I'm married, and Kawasegawa, who I've had a close relationship with for a
long time, is my colleague, it's probably inevitable that I would be somewhat
conscious of avoiding contact with her.
I seem to be particularly
concerned about such things, even if I am a bit self-conscious about it.
"Let's make an opportunity
to talk soon, okay?"
I said, and she,
"Thank you, that would be
great "
As I thought, she answered in a
slightly different atmosphere from the old Kawasegawa.
Part 4
At my workplace, we were
supposed to have a regular meeting once a week on Monday mornings, and I and the
other members of the Hashiba Team gathered in "Hawaii", a small
conference room for six people.
"Good morning. Let's get
started."
The sub-leader, Kishida,
nominated each staff member in turn and had them present their work schedule
for the week.
The Hashiba team was currently
in the process of preparing for the release of a new work at the end of the
year. As they were in the process of coming up with ideas, the faces of the
staff were all cheerful.
For the new work, it seemed
that we used many famous illustrators and spent a lot of money. Of course, I
don't remember anything about this project myself.
"It's a big project,
really."
When I talk to Kishida next to
me,
"Yes, this is thanks to Hashiba-san
coordination skills."
The activities of a person who
was me but not me were also evident here.
"Did I do something?"
"Haha, that's funny to us,
but you shouldn't tell that to the A team members. They're really on edge right
now."
The A team is the team that
Kawasegawa is in charge of.
"Well, we're in the middle of development."
When the pressure is on, no
matter what kind of company you work for, the members of the development team
start to lose their humanity. I'm sure that's what's happening to Kawasegawa's
team.
"That's true, too... See, didn't
Hashiba-san also involve in the story of Minori Ayaka."
"Yeah, so what?"
"In addition to that, it
seems to be difficult because the illustrator can't be contacted. So they had
to cut down on the characters they were planning to use, which in turn caused
them to cut down on the scenarios they were working on and change the
specifications, so it looks like things are pretty bad."
It was bad enough to give me
chills just hearing about it.
"In this regard, thanks to
Hashiba-san's efforts in laying the groundwork, the illustrators have been
working comfortably, and there have been no significant problems. I'm sure the
other teams are envious of us."
It's true that in that
situation, it might seem sarcastic for me to pretend like I don't know things. Like
he said, better not to be touching anything funny.
"It must be hard for
Kawasegawa-san. She's in charge of all the negotiations, and I'm sure she's
being pushed around in the scene."
It was an easy story to
imagine. I think Kawasegawa is a strong person, but to be honest, I don't think
she is suited to be a coordinator who can coax people into a compromise.
It seemed to me that she must be pushing her limits somewhere.
"But the president said he
would never postpone the release, and that's why the other day Kawasegawa-san
and he got into an argument... Hashiba-san, what's the matter? You look so
serious."
"Ah, no... Thank you for
the information. It's fine."
As everyone continued to come
up with ideas, I remembered the glimpse I had caught earlier of her in the development
room.
Through the open door,
Kawasegawa was tapping on the keyboard with a serious look on her face.
Occasionally she sighed and held her head in her hands, as if things were not
going her way.
The leader is probably lonely,
and she's not the type to be particularly dependent on others. At the very
least, she would have to rely on the bath at the super public bath. I can't
even begin to measure how hard that is.
(Kawasegawa... looks like she
is having a hard time)
She used to be angry all the
time.
But it was an anger at those
around her who refused to act on her ideals, an anger that also gave her the
strength to act on her own to solve the problem.
But right now, she seemed to be
frustrated with the reality that things were not working as she wished, and she
couldn't move even if she wanted to. That's what being a producer is all about,
and if the commander moves on her own, the place is likely to get confused and
lose morale.
Returning my attention to the
conference room, I listened to the exchanges between the young staff members.
"Why don't we just cut the story here and let them wait and then introduce the 5 star character?"
"No, that won't last long,
so we should keep the story going."
"But then the main story
won't hold up. Are you going to ask the writer?"
"What about sub-episodes
to connect them? It's Christmas time, so what do you think?"
Everyone is thinking hard about
the situation they are given and trying to come up with something that looks as
interesting as possible. That's when everyone starts thinking. There are few
creators who start out with the intention of preparing something boring or low
quality. When they come up with an idea, everyone is thinking of delivering something
that is 100 points.
However, this is gradually
diminished by the opinions of others, time and cost constraints, and the skill
of the individual. This is even more noticeable when it is group work.
Conditions are added to the finished blueprint, such as a lack of this or that,
and the beautiful elements are pieced together.
And the next thing they know,
what should have been a score of 100 is reduced to a score of 30 or 10, and
they are branded as unprofessional, wondering why they made such a thing. The
more a creator tries to take the evaluation seriously, the more they get
poisoned by it and are thrown into the depths of despair.
Excuses aren't something you
make for other people. It's something you have to do in order to survive.
I wonder what Kawasegawa is despairing about.
And how did Shinoaki lose the
sight of the future?
Everyone from that time is
here, but no one is here.
And that must be――.
"――san. Hashiba-san?"
I came to my senses. It seemed
that he had been talking to me the whole time, but I hadn't noticed.
"S-Sorry, what?"
Kishida smiled,
"I'm sorry to bother you while you're tired. I've sent you a chat message about the theme song, so please check it out."
Before I knew it, everyone was
leaving the conference room.
"Okay, I'll take a
look."
I answered and got up to go
back to my seat.
Part 5
As soon as I return, I open my
browser and open the application for chatting.
It was installed for business use, and I used to use it a lot when I was making bishojo games.
Click on the URL of the video
site that the staff sent me.
Since the target age group for
the upcoming game was teens and older, it was decided that the theme song would
be chosen from so-called singers.
Just a few years ago, NicoNico
was the main battleground when it came to try to sing. But now, other
video sites are gaining momentum, and half of the nominated singers have published
their works on other services.
"It's the flow of the
times... Ah."
As I opened the third tab, my
eyes were glued to the Nico Nico website.
Knowing about Shinoaki's
current situation and Kawasegawa's agony, I was trying to turn my back on many
things. For the past week, I had avoided those words, even though I could have
searched for them at any time.
It was hard. I could only
imagine what the reality would be like there.
To the video that was sent to
me, and its related videos.
"N@NA's video..."
―― Something I had avoided the whole time.
I thought that maybe there was,
but I couldn't bring myself to reach out to it.
I could have chosen not to
look. At this point, the painful things were already piling up. A feeling
of hopelessness overcame me, as if I had given up, wondering what would become
of me if I went through more pain.
But I felt it was my duty to
face it.
Because this is the future from
that past. The future of these girls has changed because of my involvement.
This is the future based on that.
To put it more bluntly, this is
a world that has been remade because of me. It was... about to be
confronted in front of me in a very straightforward way.
"Let's... hear it"
I clicked on the video link
with trembling hands and watched the video that opened.
And reality spread out there.
Views, 5439.
Comments, 32.
My Lists, 126.
The content was an attempt to sing a recent anime theme song. The voice was definitely that of Nanako. I thought that some people would be convinced if they were told that it was sung by a professional.
But this is.
"It's not N@NA's... song "
N@NA's voice, which once
encouraged me and which I listened to over and over again, was indeed similar
to the one playing now. But it was nothing more than a resemblance.
Whether it was technical or
emotional, I don't know the details. But this song was just an attempt to sing
"better than an amateur".
Many of the comments that
flowed in were praising the skill of the singer. In fact, the number of My Lists
was higher than the comments, so it was clear that many people appreciated the
technique.
But that was it. There was
nothing beyond that.
"H-How about the past
videos..."
The past works that I clicked
on as if to hang on to them did not seem to have any outstanding features.
Above all, the number of submissions was low.
In the former world, there was
a time when she posted so much that she was called a daily N@NA. But the singer
here now has less than 10 posts in total.
As I was about to sink, I saw
another link in front of me.
"Does she have... a
community?"
It was the Nico community.
N@NA also had her personal community, where she sometimes broadcast live.
Perhaps, they were mainly
broadcasting on Nico Nico Live instead of videos. In fact, there were singers
who became famous from the mainstream of live broadcasting instead of video.
"This one here, maybe "
Looking for hope, I clicked on
the latest time shift.
"Thank you for taking the
time. Good evening."
It was Nanako.
Surprisingly, she hasn't
changed from her old appearance.
"No, it's been 3 weeks. I
know it's been a while, but how is everyone? Me? I'm doing great. Today, I'm broadcasting
from the shores of Lake Biwa."
Gal-like clothes, a cute smile,
and a friendly manner of speaking.
"She looks fine... I'm
glad."
Such a word came out
unintentionally.
As with the number of views on
the video, the number of people in her community and the number of visitors was
not very large, but quite normal.
But I was relieved. Even if it
was just to know that she was still singing and active.
As long as she continues, I'm
sure she'll have the strength to appear one day.
However.
The convenient delusion has crumbled.
"Etto, I have some
unfortunate news."
Near the end of the broadcast,
Nanako is,
"I've decided to quit live
broadcasting after today."
The end came so suddenly.
"The last streaming... she
said, eeh..."
Three days ago, she had
announced that she was retiring from Nico Nico Live and would no longer upload
videos of her songs.
"For the listeners, I'm
sorry. I don't know what I'm singing to anymore."
At the end, she waved "bye
bye" and the streaming came to an abrupt end.
Like Shinoaki, she was also,
"Why do you have such a
lonely face...!"
Nanako was smiling at the end
of the video.
She smiled as much as she could
at the few viewers who had left comments.
But to me, that smile looked
very... lonely.
I couldn't even look at the
monitor properly anymore.
Even after the recorded stream
is finished and the screen is blacked out.
I just kept staring at the
black screen that was no longer showing anything.
Part 6
I was wobbly on my feet. I
wasn't even sure where I was going.
The neon signs blurred and
melted into violence of colors that hurt my eyes.
My vision kept spinning. Every
time I tilted my body's center of gravity to the left or right, the scenery in
front of me rotated with many times its strength.
I didn't feel any physical
pain. I was sure I had been hitting myself all over the place for a while, but
the drunkenness had canceled it all out.
The people around me, who were
faintly visible, averted their gaze, trying not to get involved. There were no
more people in front of me.
Yes, this is how people
disappear one after another. In front of me, who is annoying and
selfish. My drunken mind amplifies both positive and negative things
without limit.
The sense of alienation grew to
the limit, slowly separating me from the world.
"How did... this
happen..."
With a drunken mind, I traced
the thin, tattered threads of my memory.
I leave work early to go to
Shinjuku because I had a strong headache. I didn't feel like going straight
home, so I went to a restaurant that served alcohol... I barely remember that.
Alcohol melts the brain. It
dissolves the current past, and the past I was originally from.
When I first came to this
world, I thought that maybe this was a happy ending.
I thought I had fallen in love
with Shinoaki, followed Shinoaki's route to the ending, and now I was going to
play the epilogue.
Indeed, the stage was filled
with such a setting. Shinoaki and I are married, have a cute child, and
although my job is a bit of a challenge, I am respected by everyone as a member
of the team. I was able to get involved in the game business that I had once
longed for.
It was warm, a little
stimulating, and a little nostalgic. It was conveniently filled with only happy
elements.
――Yes, "only" me.
"If I... am happy... would
that be okay..."
I wonder what I wanted to do.
I wanted to make things, and I
hated the past when I couldn't do it to the fullest. So I prayed and prayed
hard. Then a miracle happened, and I went back 10 years ago. There were
wonderful creators there, in the past.
I was so enthusiastic that I tried to make something with them.
I gathered all my knowledge to
try to break the situation that seemed impossible to create. To a girl on the
verge of failure, I gave knowledge of the future. To a friend who was on the
verge of financial despair, I gave everything I had to find a way to make
money. It was all for the sake of the future that lay ahead.
But what awaits me are friends
who despair when they see me as the cowardly superman, and creators who were
influenced by the distortion, tried to take a different path.
Fate is cruel. It's really
cruel.
In fact, if I had been hurt and
taken a wrong turn myself, I might have been able to convince myself that that
was the way it was.
But I was the only one who was
happy. It was a happy ending where I was the only one who was happy. It's
a ridiculously ironic bad ending. It is also an end that was obtained by
using them as a stepping stone to a bright future.
Every step I took, I could hear
them groaning. We wanted to be happy, too. Why, why only you?
After stumbling around, I finally sat down.
Underneath a large viaduct, a
narrow path that only allowed one car to pass. I leaned limply against the
railing of the bridge.
A train noisily ran past in
front of me. The clang of the railway crossing gate echoed strangely in my
head. The barking of a stray dog mingled with it, and the sound of someone riding
a bicycle went from far away to near, and then away again.
The asphalt was cold, and the
heat of the alcohol didn't seem to take me to the dream world so easily.
I fumbled in my pocket. I
pulled out my phone with my right hand and displayed the content I had been
searching for earlier.
There were two tabs displayed.
One is "Kawagoe Kyouichi".
And the other one is "Rokuonji
Tsurayuki".
The first search result is 0.
The latter is a few dozen.
Tsurayuki worked as a clerk at his parents' home, Rokuonkai Hospital. There was a photo of his face on the page. He looked a little more mature than he used to.
It seemed that he was married.
The partner was that Sayuri-san. The photo of them together showed a happy
smile on their faces.
And he wrote the hospital's
blog all by himself.
The contents of his blog were
diverse. He talked about his hometown of Kawagoe, his hobby of magic tricks,
his wife Sayuri-san, his son, the weather, and gourmet food.
I guess it is the result of his
diligent and proper efforts. The content was easy to read and interesting to
read.
But how many readers are
eagerly reading the hospital's official blog? He should have had more than a
million readers, and he should have been eager to write his story, but now he
was only writing for a small official blog with only a few dozen readers at
most.
I'm the one who erased the
future that should have been.
"Tsurayuki... I'm sorry,
really..."
I put my smartphone in my
pocket and looked up at the pitch-black sky.
There were hardly any stars to be seen at night in the city center. Only buildings illuminated by artificial light were glittering with an inorganic glow. No matter how I looked at it, I could not find anything soothing.
"If I'm drunk and collapse
like this... I wonder if I'll ever find the way back to the original world
again."
To those worst days of my life.
Back to 2016, when I was living a helpless life. Going back there seemed to be
the best choice for me.
I heard the sound of the railway
crossing gate again. A train was approaching with a thunderous sound. The
ground, illuminated by the headlights, exposed my shameful figure.
Part 7
I closed my eyes.
I covered my ears.
I wanted to believe that if I
shut myself off from the world, the punishment would end.
But it didn't end. There was no
game over in my life. If there was, there was only one way, but I didn't have
the guts to choose it.
Part 8
"Welcome bac... what's
wrong, Otou-san?!"
"Otou-san, smelling of
alcohol~!"
The next thing I knew, I was
asleep as I opened the door to my house.
Two faces peered out at me.
It's someone I love, and
someone who looks a lot like her.
Both of them looked very
worried. I wondered why they were worried. My consciousness was so far away
that even that was vague.
"To drink till like this...
Isn't this the first time"
"Otou-san, are you
okay?"
The person I loved seemed a
little surprised. It seemed to be the first time I had gotten wasted in this
world.
If so, it was surprising. I
wonder how the person who was supposed to be me was able to maintain his sanity
in the future with such an ending. If it were me... I wouldn't be able to
bear it.
If only I hadn't been so
pathetically drowned in alcohol like this.
"Sorry......."
I apologized to her.
"What's wrong... What's
wrong?" (Note: The latter, she spoke with dialect she used to)
At first she took the words as
her husband, and then a little later as me.
"Sorry, Shinoaki..."
I called her name. And I
apologized. I had corrupted her future and built my own happiness on it. For
having a selfish happy ending with the worst cheat ever.
"It's okay, Kyouya-kun. You've been having a tough time."
Shinoaki hugged me. Then she
placed my head in her lap.
The feel of the cold floor
changed to something warm and soft. The regret and apology that had occupied my
mind seemed to melt away with her warmth.
Why is she so kind? I'm such a
worst person. I took something precious away from you.
I don't deserve to be treated
so nicely, but why...
"U-Uu..."
I cried.
Raising my voice like a child.
On Shinoaki's lap, enveloped by the warmth.
"Otou-san is crying~. Like
a child~."
A girl who looked a lot like
Shinoaki was patting me on the head.
Although I wanted so much to
return to the original world and disappear, in the end I came back to pamper
myself.
I know that if I do this here,
I will be warmly welcomed.
―― I wondered how I could repay
her in this world. That's all I could think about in my distant consciousness.
The sound of a train running is
heard farther away than usual.
It should have been the time of
day when there were still people and cars on the streets, but today I couldn't
hear any of the hustle and bustle.
It was a quiet night. It was
just the opposite from the fuss I had made when I came back.
"Kyouya-kun, have you
already slept?"
I heard a whispering voice. It
was the voice of Shinoaki, who was sleeping next to me.
"No, not yet"
I turn over and face her.
I could see Shinoaki's face
very close to mine, looking at me with concern.
"Thank you. Thanks to you...
I feel so much calmer."
I can feel the warmth coming
from the hand I hold.
"It's okay. This is all I
can do..."
Shinoaki also turned her body
toward me. Holding each other's hands, we stared at each other at close range.
Perhaps it was because we were
talking about the past, her dialect reverted back to her old self. Looking at
her this way, she was still only Shinoaki, and not anyone else.
But she's not the same girl I
knew back then. I knew that already, painfully.
"I thought that Kyouya-kun
had already gotten over it."
Faintly, I felt a strength in my hands as I grasped it.
"That I... stopped
drawing"
Earlier, when I was being cared
for by Shinoaki.
In my hazy state of
consciousness, I asked her one more time.
Why did you quit drawing? I said.
At that time, Shinoaki just
smiled and didn't answer anything, and I fell asleep immediately, so I only
vaguely remembered asking the question.
Later, I cursed myself for my
carelessness. I cursed myself for being a bastard. I had been so eager to hear
the story, but I had stopped myself.
But now that I've heard it... I
can't go back.
"Sorry, I asked you such a
hard question."
"Hm-Hm. When I decided to
quit, I didn't tell you the reason properly. I think it's natural that it
stayed in your mind for a long time."
Shinoaki took a breath.
"When I decided to draw
for the game, I drew a lot while talking to Kyouya-kun and everyone. It's been
going on for a long time, hasn't it?"
I guess it's about the first doujin game and after that.
From the way Shinoaki was talking, I wondered if we were still making games after that.
"But halfway through, I
didn't know why I was drawing."
My memories come flooding back.
Prioritizing the completion of
the game, she was forced to make a lot of sacrifices.
By making the composition easy
and letting her draw by habit, she was able to mass-produce her work in a way
that prioritized the schedule.
That shortened her life as an
illustrator.
"I've... done something irreparable."
About my attitude at that time,
and Shinoaki nodded slowly.
"It's true that drawing is
becoming less fun. But
―― "
The gentle smile that Shinoaki
always shows me.
"Kyouya-kun did what Kyouya-kun
could do. You worked harder than anyone else. It's not like it's anyone's fault
or anything."
Perhaps Shinoaki still considerate
about me at times like this.
Unable to connect the words in
an apologetic tone, she,
"More than that..."
She turned her face to the
ceiling and took a single breath.
"... It was hard for me to draw where no one else was."
"What do you mean, no one?"
Tsurayuki was gone, but I and
Nanako were supposed to be by her side at the time. So why would she say such a
thing, I wondered.
"The more I draw, the more
Kyouya-kun will praise me. If I share it with the world, more and more people
will praise it. Whether I don't agree or don't understand"
Shinoaki cut her words once
there.
"That's what's always... scared
me."
Then, in a faint voice, she
answered.
"……"
I stared at the ceiling, as she
did. I didn't have any words to answer.
At that time, Shinoaki trusted
me. Even though there were times when she had doubts when we were making the
game, she still believed in me.
I wondered if there was
anything that could have shaken that trust. No, if that's the case, the very
fact that I'm with her now becomes a question.
Was there a loneliness in those
days that only she could understand? And I couldn't notice it?
Wasn't there really anything... I could do about it?
"Shinoaki..."
I gently looked to the side and
saw that she was quietly looking at me.
"Kyouya-kun"
Her gentle smile made me feel
hot in the corner of my eye again.
"Come here "
Shinoaki opened her arms and
hugged me.
With tears in my eyes, I clung
to her, and then kissed her again and again.
"Nn... Chyu..."
I couldn't give her what she
wanted. So she quit drawing and chose the path of living with me.
And yet, here I am, enjoying the
kindness she gives me.
"Nn... Shinoaki ..."
I call her name. She smiles at
me.
But every time I do, I feel as
if something inside me is melting and disappearing.
Is it my remaining conscience
or my guilty conscience?
In order to repay her one day, I need to live in this world where everything has changed.
(...I have to live here. And I
have to look for it)
I can only do what I can do. It
may have been said out of concern, but Shinoaki also encouraged me to do so.
Let's at least do that while I
am needed.
Quietly so as not to repeat
that big mistake.
Kawasegawa Eiko
Kawasegawa, good work. Can I have a moment now?
Fine. What?
I was wondering if you'd be okay since you've been feeling a little stuck at work lately.
Not really
You're the one who's been thinking and pondering all the time, strange
Worry about yourself rather than worry about others
I see, that's fine. And thank you for worrying about me
I'm not worried about you
I am really not
I understand, thank you
I said!
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